Been a while. . .

I know, I know! Where have I been? I can hardly believe it's been 4 weeks since I've written a "real" post. We've had 3 weeks on and off of 2 (yes, 2!) stomach bugs, we've started school again, and I'm taking care of a 4 month old in addition to my three kiddos. We've been busy, but it's kinda been a laid-back busy. Does that make any sense?

I have this rule that I don't blog when dear hubby is home. If he's here, we're doing something as a family for the most part. I refuse to "check out" on the computer when he's around. It's just not fair to any of us.

I've also been in a weird kind of place emotionally the past number of weeks. I'm hurting for other people, I'm hurting for myself, and I'm taking a lickin' from the Holy Spirit on a number of issues.

I'm about to get real real here, people. Prepare yourselves.

I have always with the exception of my junior year in High School been a "good girl". I've always been the cheerful one, or the friendly one, or the peppy one. Even in going through difficult times, I've tried to do the "right" thing. Handle things the "right" way. And to be honest, I've taken a lot of pride in how "good" and "nice" I am. I've ALWAYS been a rule-follower - if you've ever played cards or board games with me, you know this to be true! I can't stand a cheater - if someone cheats at a game, I want to quit then and there. I don't want to play with that person any more.



The Lord has impressed upon me lately that I have been living a works-based faith. I believe, I know that we are saved by grace and through faith, not by works. However, I'm not too sure that I've been living what I believe. It wasn't until my world fell apart a number of months ago that I realized how messed up my deep-down thinking was. You see, I got a little upset that I was going through such hard times. "What did I do to deserve this?" was my question of the day. For many days. And many months. Those were just my thoughts, however. On the outside, I was handling everything just as I knew the Lord would have me handle it. With love. With peace. With forgiveness. And on the inside, those feelings/actions were real. My gracious Father filled me with so much of Himself that I was able to handle things the "right" way. However, I was wrong in thinking, "Okay, I handled it all the right way, where's my reward? Where's my blessing?" That, my friends, is works-based living. And I'm just now realizing how badly I've struggled with it my whole life. I've mistakenly lived out the thought that if I do everything right, bad things won't come my way.



You wanna know how the Holy Spirit is showing me the error of my ways? He's helping me to see myself through REAL lenses. Not self-lenses. I think (I hope) that we all have the natural inclination to think of ourselves more highly than we ought. So even though I've taken such pride in the past of how good a person I am, I'm beginning to see myself as the ugly ball of sin that I am. I am so ugly inside, ya'll. So while I've been pointing out the specks in others eyes, God has been beating me over the head with the 2X4 that's in my own eye. Yeah, it's not so pleasant.



But, praise God, I'm His. And He's still workin' on me. He can change this old heart of mine.



And He is.



Bit by bit.



Day by day.



How could I ever live without Him?